I'm Sorry For Your Loss

When a death occurs we say it often: "I'm sorry for your loss." Because what else do you say? I am the first to admit the phrase became overused and empty for me a long time ago, but the message behind it still rings true.....
     On any given day, I meet total strangers during one of the worst times in their lives. They are people in various stages of grief, and I often have to take a step back and remind myself of that fact. It sometimes means having to repeat a question numerous times to an elderly widow because maybe she was distracted by the bouquet of flowers sent from her college roommate or maybe she simply didn't understand what I was asking. Maybe the phone is ringing off the hook at a house and my walking in the door with 10 folding chairs is not a priority at the time. I quietly place them by the front door and wait patiently to ask if the family needs anything else right then. I shake hands saying, "I'm sorry for your loss," on my way out. Maybe I get back in the van and eat my lunch while going back to the funeral home and jam out to the radio, because for me, this is an ordinary day. For the people I serve, however, it is anything but.  See, while a death may be one of the most painful things your family can face, to us funeral personnel, it's a daily occurrence. It's what we do. It's why we don't let our cell phones get out of sight, and why our closets are filled with dark, muted colors. It's not always easy, but it is not supposed to be. 

     When a death occurs, it is likely that the family is next to clueless as to what to do. As soon as the phone call is made to the funeral home, however, a process begins. We make checklists. We label clothing. We label people. We order flowers and caskets and vaults and mark graves to be dug. We make a list and check it twice in hopes of minimizing mistakes (unfortunately, we are only human and mistakes still happen...).
     In this service based industry, each situation, each family, each deceased individual is different. Each has a story, yet each comes with a unique set of challenges. I would be remiss to say that each funeral is the same ol' same ol'....because it's not. We have a basic procedure to follow, but the details in between are as varied as the day is long. We really are sorry for your loss, but our way of saying it is by taking the necessary care to do the behind the scenes work to help you share about and honor your loved one.
     So yes, I'll come back to open the funeral home for the hairdresser at 7 PM, and yes, I'll clean up the water spill from when you knocked over the vase of flowers, and yes, I'll even go with you when you come to town, 20 years after your father was buried, and help you locate his grave in the cemetery. It's the 'funeral director way' of saying, "I'm sorry for your loss," even when the words fail.

Risky Business: Embalming 101

What is embalming?    Well....
     Embalming is a process of temporary preservation, sanitation, and restoration of body tissues after death. At least, that's the textbook answer. The real answer is that embalming is a delicate mix of art and science--one that can (and will) make or break the funeral business as we know it. There is a lot of mystery behind the process of embalming.... probably for good reason... but, nonetheless, it is part of the distance our culture has created in all matters regarding death and dying.

     Simply put, embalming is the drainage of blood from the body and subsequent injection of preservative chemicals. This is most often done by utilizing the vessels of the extensive, beautifully built-in circulatory system, as well as by supplemental injection of stronger fluids into the viscera (where all the nasty bacteria live). The process is multi-dimensional and entirely dependent on individual circumstances. There are a multitude of chemicals, techniques, products, etc. for almost any situation you could imagine.... because.... the goal is to be able to provide an open-casket for any case that comes through the doors.

Instruments used for Elvis Presley's Autopsy.
Click for image credit.

     Embalming even the most straightforward case does not come without its challenges, and trust me, it's not for the faint of heart (or stomach). I've been on a pretty steep learning curve when it comes to embalming and I'm finding out that it's not so much about knowing how to do everything right... it's about knowing how to fix things when they start to go wrong. Good life lesson there.
     Embalming a body requires all these things; skills, techniques, chemicals, products, but at the end of the day, each body is different and it is a process that is not without its risks. There are risks when it comes to restoring the body to a more natural appearance. There's always a risk the body won't turn out well. There's also a risk the family will simply not like what you've done even if the body does turn out well. There is a risk too of rapid decomposition, even after thorough embalming. There are also behind the scenes risks of the health and safety of we embalmers who deal with the chemicals and the instruments and the dead bodies themselves. Protective measures are taken, universal precautions, we call them... because you never know what you're going to run into when faced with a body--dead or alive. 

     We have plenty of OSHA guidelines and specialized equipment to keep us as safe as possible in most situations. We have lifts, and gloves, and cots, and tables, and tubes, and all kinds of neat things to get the job done. And it's all really easy as long as you can see the potential problems at hand. For example: you get a death call from the hospital. The deceased is about 350 lbs. Take two people. Position the cot so it allows for the body to be moved head first, discuss options for oversized caskets and/or cremation. Etc. 
     But what about the things we can't see? Arteriosclerosis. Bacteria. Blood clots. Infectious diseases. Bloodborne pathogens. All the things your mom told you not to talk to, even if they offered you candy. Yeah. They can interfere with the embalming process and can be just plain dangerous. REALLY dangerous. That's why universal precautions are absolutely necessary. And that's why we use specialized equipment and some really powerful disinfectants. We are not only concerned about having microorganisms transfer from the bodies to us workers, but also from one dead body to other dead bodies. Some of the more commonly thought of dangers include tuberculosis, MRSA, Hepatitis A, B, and C, Clostridium perfringens, and HIV.

HIV attacking a human cell.
Click for image credit.

Draining the blood and then effectively giving the tissues a good dose of formaldehyde takes care of most of the risk, but we still have to be careful. There are everyday occupational hazards like needle sticks, fluid spills, and inhalation dangers that we are always looking out for. It is thought that HIV cannot live outside of the body longer than 4 hours, but other diseases, like hepatitis and those caused by most bacteria can live on surfaces for days. Did you know that TB is the oldest known communicable disease? That is mostly because tuberculosis is readily transmitted through inhalation and because it is more resistant to environmental factors due to its ability to form endospores, or protective capsules, that can allow it to survive for hundreds of years. Muah-ha-ha.
     The point is really to minimize risks in every way possible for all involved: embalmers, the deceased, the family, and the general public. We truly have to treat every case as if it were potentially dangerous because we often don't find out otherwise until after most of our work has been done. There is certainly room for improvement throughout the deathcare industry, especially in regards to updating older funeral homes and having universal requirements for different steps in the embalming process.
     It ultimately comes down to the level of professionalism practiced by individual employees. Education is key. So is having adequate resources. Communication within the firm and with the families is paramount to doing good business, and it is important to be honest about what can and cannot be done in each situation, even if it ruffles some feathers. The good thing is that bad cases are usually few and far between--people can get away with not knowing all that goes on behind the scenes....and whether that is good or bad is up for debate.
    To be continued.....

What's Your "Comfort Level" with Death?

My mother and brother recently came to 'Clinnon' to tend to some business at PC. While they were in town, they stopped by to see me at work. Naturally, I gave them a little tour of the funeral home.

As I led them around, I noticed how consciously aware I was of their reactions to different things I showed them, and that I was especially careful when leading them into a visitation room with an open casket. You see, I know from growing up going to visitations and funerals with my parents that saying that my mom does not particularly 'like' open caskets is an understatement. She tentatively approached the casket, stopping well outside of arm's reach. My brother was not much more adventurous. They asked a few questions and then we carried on with the tour.

The isolated experience with my mom and brother didn't mean much to me at the time. In fact, I sort of forgot about it...... UNTIL......

Somebody died. The family came in the next day to finalize arrangements. We had a brief conversation. I led them down the hallway for an initial viewing of the body, which we had embalmed, dressed, and casketed. I opened the door to the private viewing room and motioned for them to enter the room. All of this was very 'normal' to me. Then, it dawned on me.... Why was I doing it like that? It was like I didn't want to intrude on their personal space with their dead loved one. I was standing back, expecting them to go into the room and do their 'grief thing' while I went back to what I had been doing before they arrived. It slowly occurred to me that they might not actually want to go into the room.... at least not alone. Some of them (probably all of them) might be unsure, confused, or absolutely terrified. I wondered if I was doing them a disservice by hanging back in the doorway, or if I was doing exactly what I should be doing: giving them space.

As funeral professionals, it's sometimes hard to gauge peoples' "comfort level" with death right off the bat; it's something we have to ease into with families. It takes time. It takes conversations, and eye contact, and buzz words, and a little bit of awkwardness, and probably too much 'professional' distance on our part. We don't have a personal history with many of the people we interact with on a daily basis, so unlike the situation with my own family, we have very little to go off of unless the individuals actually tell us how they feel. ....And it's amazing how clammed up and inconsistent people get around death.

What about you? What's your "comfort level?" Open casket or closed? Would you want space? Or more direction? It's all very subjective and dependent on the circumstances.

A talk from a convention I went to earlier this year is echoing in my mind as I write this. The topic was along the lines of how much the field of funeral service has changed in the past few decades and how little actual funeral home design and basic merchandise has changed. One point made was about caskets: At the end of the day, a casket is a casket is a casket. (Unless it's a coffin....but that's another story for another day).

http://www.donnachaidhinternational.com/2012/09/what-is-the-difference-between-a-casket-and-a-coffin/

Caskets in general freak people out. Open caskets, in particular, really freak people out. Add in the fact that there's a dead loved one in the casket, and you've got some serious emotional issues on your hands. Denial is no longer an option. Death is all of a sudden within arm's reach. Grief is raw. People simply don't know how to react. I understand more fully now that I have a responsibility to focus more on ushering people through this process instead of just motioning them forward into it. I trust that this is a quality that will come about in time and with experience and in all the little ways that make this job more than a job but a true vocation.

Putting the 'Fun' in Funerals

When people find out I'm training to be a funeral director, one of the more common questions I get asked is "Aren't you depressed all the time?"

The answer is: "No." (Imagine me rolling my eyes).
   
     While I may be around death and bodies and people crying all the time, and while I may have attended close to 100 funerals this past year, my job is anything but depressing. It can be chaotic, stressful, and demanding, but it can also be really fun and challenging. Sometimes it is even slow and boring and we all get to go home early, which is fun too.
     Creativity is key. What would you do if you were presented with a family who wants Dale Earnhardt embroidered on the inside of the casket panel? What about with a family who expects an open casket for a person who was decapitated? How do you gently tell a grieving widower that his wife's bra is too big? (Disclaimer: I can answer all of those questions, though not from true personal experience. Yet.).
     I have some really great co-workers and we are able to keep the atmosphere pretty light and productive. The truth is that our wheels are always turning and our minds are going so many different directions in a given moment that we don't have time or energy to be depressed about death. Here's a snapshot:

Now multiply that by 4 or 5 deaths/week (or 16 if it was the week before Christmas)... and that's what funeral directing is like.

(Disclaimer: we always forget at least one thing.)

     There are moments when I question my sanity. Like when I'm standing out at a graveside in a torrential downpour or sweltering heat. Or when I'm staying late to suture incisions in a corpse after a difficult embalming. Or when I'm on hold with an insurance company. Again.

     At the end of the day, we all know that funerals are for the living. As funeral directors, we do what we can to make the process run as smoothly as possible and we cross our fingers that everyone is satisfied with the results of our labors. This is a service industry and it always will be, and I think it's important to be able to have a little fun along the way. I can assure you we all have a healthy respect for the job we do and a distinct sense of reverence for the dead. Our serious moments just need to be tempered by humor every once in a while. It really is gratifying when you sit back and let it all unfold. Maybe somebody cracks a joke at a funeral or tells a funny story to make everyone laugh. Maybe you didn't put up a tent at the cemetery because, "Mama always liked to see the blue sky..." and that was the one day in the week it wasn't forecasted to rain. Maybe the music was just the right volume or the lipstick was just the right shade. On those days, I can walk away knowing I've done my job well. And who doesn't like that feeling?

Photo credit: http://www.digdang.com/image/just_buried/5135/

Prepositions

I'm sitting in the same classroom for the 4th hour in a row. On one side of me, there are two caskets (empty, I promise), on the other, there are twenty classmates, all of various ages and backgrounds. The instructors ramble a bit, confusing words like 'generic' with 'genetic,' 'presents' with 'presence,' and 'elections' with 'electrons.' Nobody else seems to notice. Oh well.

Somewhere between the chemistry lesson and the three-thousandth question about whether or not we have to  know ALL the bones in the body, words begin to pop out at me. The words are simple, prepositions actually: by, with, for...

We have moved on to the 'Funeral Services' portion of the school day and are watching a PBS Frontline documentary called The Undertaking. (<-- VERY highly recommended).

....By the living
....For the living
....With the living

It strikes me as it has done before-- funerals in the modern sense mean different things to different people, but Thomas Lynch's words start to work in my finite brain, "we deal with death by dealing with the dead..."

Our death traditions are just that- traditions- just like our marriage traditions, birth traditions, and holiday traditions. They serve a purpose, but we have to remember they are not immune to change. The processes of planning, conducting, and attending funerals helps usher us through the beginnings of the grief journey. They give us something to grasp, rules to follow, and roles to play as our little worlds change beyond our comprehension.

We all view and deal with death a little differently, but, in the end, we all must face it.

It never fails that at any funeral I attend, there is a solitary moment in which time seems to stand still. It often happens at the graveside as the pallbearers carry the casket to the grave. Watches tick, birds chirp, cars go by, but the hallowed plot of land on which we place the casket is eerily quiet. We've come as far as we can. Family and friends have eulogized, prayed, sung, cried, rejoiced, remembered and now we stand in reverent awe. The casket is lowered and we reach the end. The body stops moving. We stop carting everything around. We arrange the flowers for the last time. We say a final prayer, maybe sing a final song. Then we leave and the reality of the loss accompanies us as we walk away from the grave.

We continue to lean on the living; hearing words of sympathy, accepting tender embraces, and eating fried chicken to our heart's content. In these moments, we are vulnerable in our humanity. In moments to come, as we look back and remember things about the ones we've had to let go, we seem to be more vulnerable in our spirituality. Through tears and laughter we keep moving until death interrupts again; until our little worlds stand still.

Do you see what I see?

[If you're a regular, you may have noticed that the background changed a bit. Don't be alarmed, it was just time for an update. If you're new here, welcome! Hope you're not intimidated by a little dialogue about death... no, really.]

I get it. I like living in the mountains. I use cloth bags for my groceries. In fact, I advocate 'reduce, re-use, recycle' in all circumstances. I compost. I cringe at the amount of petroleum used on a daily basis, yet I want a bus-load of kids. I'm obsessed with learning about midwives and morticians. I'm kind of a granola-- and that's ok with me. All of this begs the question: aren't modern embalming practices anti-earth friendly? The simple answer, yes, unfortunately, they are.

So what of it? There are many unnatural things, and lots of chemicals, involved in preserving a 'memory picture' of our loved ones as we view them between death and burial. Without these chemicals, the type of viewing (open-casket) we think of would simply not be possible. The chemicals--formaldehyde, methanol, phenol, etc. offer temporary preservation for the body. After burial, the chemicals eventually reach the earth and probably our ground water. There are also materials used in hospitals, ambulances, the preparation room, and cemeteries that are not sustainable (mostly plastics and precious metals). And then there's the space taken up by cemeteries, headstones, mausoleums, on and on and on. To think I will actually depend on this way of doing things for my livelihood bothers me sometimes. But, then again, it doesn't. I get it. I understand why we do it this way. I mean, let's face it, it's right in line with our American way of living. Does that mean I agree with it or think it's for everyone? No.

The bottom line is that we see what we want to see about the funeral business.

If you want to see that our culture has shaped us into being materialistic and shallow, you can fall into the camp that says funerals are obsolete; that the presence of the dead at their own funeral is optional; that all funeral directors do is capitalize on the grief of others.

If you want to sympathize and say open-casket services are essential to the grieving process, you'd be in the group that says embalming is a necessary art, one that is unique to the funeral industry and important for closure for friends and loved ones.

If you want to get hung up on the paperwork and the insurance and the money and the convenient 'packages'  funeral homes offer, you can and I won't judge you because I have the same thoughts.

I choose to see that embalming, open caskets, cremations, funerals, gravesides, flowers, thank-you cards, etc. are important. I just don't think all of it has to be for everyone <---And that is what will help me change along with this business.

After attending a funeral directing convention this week, I have some new knowledge of the industry and some new ideas of my own that I will continue to talk about. Please feel free to share your ideas with me too!

A fly on a cupcake

You know the feeling you get when something is first brought to your attention and then suddenly it's EVERYWHERE? Yeah, that's how death is for me. Don't get me wrong--it isn't a creepy kind of ghoulishness or an overwhelming sadness type of thing--it is just there.

I'm working at a small town funeral home and I'm going to funeral school, so my day-to-day activities are centered around embalming, cremation, funerals, burials, etc. I'm finding the work to be pretty much enthralling. I guess the subject just jumps out at me now. I have so many questions and I am in a state of just soaking in as much information as I can. Death, dying, grieving, history of funeral service, cultural and religious traditions--anything--I'm interested. If you have a story, I want to hear it. If you'll sit still long enough, I'll tell you one of mine. Don't be surprised if this blog sort of morphs into a conglomeration of everything I'm learning. Also, don't be surprised if I start to sound like a fly on a cupcake. There is just so much involved in death. 

I was thinking yesterday about how I came to this point in my life. The only other career option I have ever been this excited about is that of an OB/GYN. I know, I'm crazy, right? Who wants to usher in life? No, I hear you, that's not the first thing you thought of... let's be honest, it's a different kind of job... That's why I kept the idea mostly to myself. I didn't pursue that route because A. Med School. and B. it just seemed too bogged down in ultrasounds and pitocin and monotony to me. I much prefer the idea of a midwife. 

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that midwives, at least in America, were actually some of the first kinds of undertakers. These pioneering women, along with their traditional tasks of assisting in births, took on the role of washing preparing bodies for burial. Undoubtedly, this had something to do with the astronomical rate of stillbirths and infant deaths, but still, it's kind of mind boggling. That juxtaposition of life and death--the one we all feel somewhere deep inside of us--the early midwives lived it. To wash and prepare a body is truly one of the most moving experiences this life has to offer. I can only imagine that ushering in life is along the same vein. In our modern era of technology and busyness and blah, blah, blah, I find it fascinating that to actually be entrusted with a body, to slow down and take care and 'undertake' the process is something that is unique to birth and death. I learned that the word 'undertake' means "to bind oneself to a task or to pledge to get it done." What a concept!--one that has carried over into our modern idea of funeral directing.

Something to think about, right? I guess I qualify as a granola now, huh? More on that later...

Christmas [In July]

Folks,
      I'll admit I was racking my brain for what to write about this month. I thought about just letting this one slide by and making up for it with two posts in August. I came up with a few ideas yesterday... one about my love of reading and the books I am currently obsessed with, another about the conferences going on this summer in Montreat. I just couldn't get myself to sit down and process either of those. Then, today at work, LIFE hit me square in the face.
      It was a quiet moment in the store, a rarity during the mornings of youth conferences when hundreds of teens stream in to get their t-shirts and Cheerwine. In the midst of my own to-do list of cooking, cleaning, packing, forms, classes, and the line of customers waiting to purchase their items, my thoughts were interrupted by a pair of earrings sliding across the counter.
       I reached for a box to put them in and the customer said, "Oh, I don't need a box, I'll wear them out!"
       I said, "Alright, that's good with me! Your total is $36.38."
       I swiped her card, and as I waited for the receipt to print, she said through tears, "They remind me of my son. He always loved calla lillies." Then, as if realizing she was talking out loud, she said, "I lost him recently." More tears.
       I was dumb-founded. Asking her to sign the receipt seemed trivial. I didn't know what to say. This wasn't the funeral home. This wasn't a pre-packaged environment where sadness and tears and death were expected; the norm. There wasn't a box of Kleenexes within arm's length and there weren't any flowers to move around for the hundredth time.
       There was only me. And her. And her grief. Suddenly, the three of us seemed to be taking up too much room so I stepped back a step and said the only thing I could think of, "How old was he?"
       "25," she said.
       "Wow," I said solemnly. "Well, I'm sure he would have loved to see you wear these."
       She removed the earrings from the paper card they were on and I held the pieces in my hand as she slowly and deliberately swapped old for new. I smiled and she smiled and she took a deep breath and walked away to join her friends.
      It bothered me--that space between the "Wow." and the "Well." That space in my thoughts that said, "How, when, where, why?" "WHY?" I wanted to know everything and I wanted to know nothing. I wanted to hear her story and not have to hear her pain. But, then, the two are inseparable. So it goes in life. So it goes with our faith stories and our loss-of-faith stories, our love stories and our loss-of-love stories. And no, this post really isn't about Christmas [in July] or Christmas at all. Except for the truth of the One incarnate, the One who came so that our tears and our grief and our pain will be no more. Praise be to God.