Women of the Funeral Home

I'm an educated young woman working in a small, Southern funeral home.

Think about it for a minute. It's a statement that holds so much more than you know.

In the short time I've been here, I've heard a lot--platitudes, playful banter, downright perversion. I get it. I'm probably an unexpected sight. In fact, my young colleague and I have been referred to as 'novelties.' It sometimes seems that I don't fit in among the gray-haired men and red-dirt covered gravediggers. I try to look the part, wearing conservative clothing and composing my words and demeanor with maturity and sincerity. Steps and movements have become more measured and reserved. I only hope to appear graceful, which, if you know me, is easier said than done for my tomboy self.

After funerals I sometimes hear,

"I'm so glad there are young people like you interested in doing things like this!" 

or, "So nice to see a pretty face around here!"

     Still, there are days when compliments barely outweigh the negativity. Issues directly linked to my gender and perceived aptitude are brought up and challenged daily. When I think of the societal implications of my chosen career, I just don't think women should feel so out of place or uncomfortable in the funeral business. After all, death does not discriminate, and, historically speaking at least, women have fulfilled care-taking and event planning roles quite well. BUT there's always a little old lady saying,

"Those men need to be out there washing those cars!"  
or, "How do you expect to raise a family with a job like this?"

I usually just smile and change the subject. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. And I'll wash all the cars along the way.

     I do more than answer phones and type obituaries. I do it all, just like my male counterparts. Except, unlike them,

I know what it feels like to be looked down upon. 
I know what it feels like to be stared up and down. 
I know what it feels like to be blatantly ignored.

     I also, however, know what it feels like to be welcomed into a home with a,

"Come on in, honey! Let me show you the clothes we picked out for mama. Oh, and here's some of her lipstick. What do you think?," followed by a soft touch of a hand on mine and a gentle whisper, "...I know you will take good care of her." 

     I've had to learn when to take a step back and let a man handle things. And they've had to learn when to step down and let one of us women come in with a little bit of a softer touch. It may also be that men (and women) feel more at ease to show emotion or even *gasp* cry in front of a female funeral director as opposed to a male. And let's not even get started on whole 'male ego'/'won't stop to ask for directions' thing...
     It's not uncharted territory, and luckily for me, my fierce sense of independence kicks in and I am thankful to have been surrounded by strong women throughout my life--women who have taught me to work hard and to use my voice and to stand up for what is right; they have shown me that women are intelligent and important and influential and that, as a woman and as a child of God, I matter. I believe I have unique gifts that rival many men's abilities to remain sympathetic and engaged with a mourning family while also planning and organizing the details of a funeral. Perhaps you agree with me or perhaps you don't. All I know is that each day brings new stories and new challenges and new realizations. I hope to be able to look back on this season of growth with a spirit of appreciation. Until then, from me to other women striving for success in traditionally male dominated fields,

Field Trip: Natural Cemetery

Ramsey Creek Preserve; Westminster, SC

There is something about being in a space, breathing the air and touching the ground.... A little field trip I took several weeks back was about that---being. I had to get away, I had to be somewhere else for a few hours. I had to walk on different ground and breathe different air. The visit to Ramsey Creek Preserve was in many ways an experiment for me. After a year of standing around in 'normal,' or 'conventional,' cemeteries, I wanted to see for myself what this natural cemetery felt like.

I wanted to walk the trails and hear the leaves crunch under my feet. I wanted to feel my shoes sink slightly as my feet bogged down in the wet ground. I wanted to let the grass brush up against my legs and to have to duck to avoid small branches on stray tree limbs. Each grave I happened upon along the footpaths made me wonder: How did the people buried here come to find out about this sacred place? What made them decide to go for it? What were they buried in? Was it a handmade wooden casket, a simple shroud or a favorite blanket? What did their families and friends think about it?

My business wheels started turning. What were the selling features of a natural burial? Challenges? Downsides?

Chapel

I saw the chapel and I hunted graves in the brush. I got a sense of the space and the process of a natural burial, which, in this cemetery, means the graves are dug by hand and bodies are buried in biodegradable containers, unembalmed. I saw the golf carts and casket cart used for transportation and I marveled at the simplicity of graves marked by engraved stones and surrounded by native flora. I imagined small gatherings of friends and relatives singing hymns by the creek.

It was all very different and very, well, natural.

Two Graves

If you have even the faintest curiosity about natural, green, or alternative burials, I highly encourage you to start your own research by checking out the website for this unconventional cemetery, which is one of the few in the nation. If you have questions, I'd be more than happy to answer the ones I can and find out answers for the ones I can't. And, if you're really interested, go for a visit yourself. You won't be disappointed.